The White Doe

I'd been told there was a white deer in the valley.  And I've been watching for her for months now….straining my eyes across far away fields, presuming that - if I saw her at all - it would be at a distance.

Then this morning, there she was - right by the roadside.  I stopped the car and pulled out my iPhone.  Not daring to get out in case I startled her, I wound down the window.

A few moments later there was movement further back in the woods….and there was her fawn - a spotted brown beauty, born last year.

The creatures with whom I share this valley astound me.  Hooves and paws and feet treading the same grass and heather as I do, yet stealthily, secretively, so often unnoticed.  Parallel lives.

But today I saw the white fallow doe.  Now I just want to set eyes on that wild wallaby...

The Whorled Tree

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Behold, my first ever video!

Joss and I came across this tree in the woods one day.  The branches on one side of its trunk had all been lopped off because they overhung a small, private road.  Something about the tree moved me.  I couldn't stop thinking about it.  So the next day we went back to shoot a few pictures and some brief footage.  And here you have it: the story of The Whorled Tree.

The Gathering

As birthdays go, 50 felt significant.  The half way point (I fully intend to live to a ripe old age!).  It demanded to be marked in a special way.

And so, on Sunday, a group of wonderful women gathered at Dixon Hill.  They bore witness as I washed away the past….

….stood with me as I chopped into tiny pieces grief I no longer want to carry, allowing the stream to bear it away…..

….and joined me in scattering petals of remembrance on the water.

As we walked back to the house, a rainbow appeared in the sky.

I shared with these amazing friends the struggles and the triumphs of my first 50 years.  They shared with me what they most love about me.

Together, we looked to the future, decorating prayer flags and inviting all manner of good things into my life.

There were presents and a blessing.  And then a feast.  Oh, and cake, of course.

Finally, as dusk fell, we released great lanterns into the night sky to ride high with the moon, watching till they became specks on the horizon.  A rainbow lantern of hope for me….

And white lanterns of peace for everyone else….

Seriously, the best birthday EVER.

Second picture courtesy of Dawn Rollins

Second from last picture by me

All the rest courtesy of Hannah Nunn

I Didn't Think 50 Would Be Like This

I woke this morning to find I hadn't wrinkled like a prune overnight

Nor had I turned dull and frumpy in my sleep

(Quick check)  Yes, I still think fun is….well, fun

I don't consider any shops off limits when it comes to buying clothes

And I'll swear I turned a head or two as I walked down the street today

I'm healthier than I've ever been

And happier, too

50 feels….liberating, empowering, exciting (I wasn't expecting that)

And like a massive sigh of relief

As if I can finally let go of all the striving and trying and inadequacy and hang-ups and wanting to please and worrying what others think.  What the hell, it's time to just ENJOY life.

Time to throw caution to the winds and simply be ME.  Because - it's now obvious - this life won't go on forever.  Time, then, to be bold.  To be real.  Time to stand in the authority of my experience - the accumulated wisdom of half a century on this earth.

50 feels like gaining a voice.  And permission to use it.

A Chalet Girl At Last

I grew up with Elinor Brent-Dyer's Chalet School books.  I adored them.  I was convinced I would leave school and flit off to Austria for good and evermore.  Had my ten year old self known it would take me close on half a century to get there, I'd have been horrified.  But the years have come and gone and I never quite made it to Tirol.

Today, however, was THE day.  I finally stood - for all of about three seconds - with my feet in the icy water of the Aachensee (the Tiernsee of the books).  I perused the menu at the Post Hotel and walked along the lake path that leads to Seespitz.  I lingered on the boat landing and tried to identify the snowy peaks that ringed me round.

I absolutely couldn't have chosen a better day to be there - the first really hot day of the year, the sky so blue, the lake so clear and still.  I left with a pebble from the water and a cone from the pine woods.  And a soul at last satisfied.  The Tiernsee (Aachensee) was exactly as I'd imagined it.  And it was perfect.